I am spending my child support on dildos
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
