I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
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I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
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No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize