Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
