he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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