dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Randomize
