I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
