And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Randomize
