girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
