Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
