tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
