haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
