YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
