Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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