I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
