make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
