I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
