...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
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It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
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