you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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