It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
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I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
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Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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