apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
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You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
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I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
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