YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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