i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
