there's paper in my vomit.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
