I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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