i just sent this text using only my big toe
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
