I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
