Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Randomize