after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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