I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
