Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
