No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Randomize
