Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
