Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Drake has all the answers
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Randomize