my vag is so smooth its legendary
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
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And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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