I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
