# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.