I am puke
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
