I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
