Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
