yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Randomize
