im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
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