aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
