Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Randomize
