It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
