she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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