***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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