note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
