On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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