So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I have tasted many bathrooms
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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