dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Little spoons don't ask big questions
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
