I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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