Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
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he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
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Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
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