There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
