Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
