return my video game
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
