Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
