the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
