Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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