Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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