i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
